"Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional."
Difficult conversations are a normal part of life. No matter what personal or professional gains you make, there will always be difficult conversations that have to take place.
According to the Family Institute of Cambridge and Harvard Law School’s negotiation workshop, within each difficult conversation, there are actually three conversations happening. That is, there are three undercurrents driving the energy behind each conversation.
1. The “What Happened” Conversation
This is the disparity between each parties’ interpretation of what has happened. Who is right? Who is to blame? No matter how we phrase it, in this conversation, we are usually telling the other side that they are to blame. Shift the focus away from establishing blame and toward an acknowledgment that we can never truly know other peoples’ intentions.
2. The Feelings Conversation
Whose feelings are valid? Should they be acknowledged, or peeled off of the conversation? How can that happen? How should you address feelings without walking into a landmine?
Regardless of how much you try to check your emotions at the door, there are emotional undercurrents to most difficult conversations. Even more, difficult situations don’t just involve feelings, they are based on feelings.
Sometimes a situation is so sensitive that feelings can’t even be broached. You will benefit from knowing how to acknowledge and talk about the feelings associated with the situation.
3. The Identity Conversation
What does this situation mean to each of us? What judgments are we likely making about each other? How is this affecting self-esteem?
This conversation asks “What does this say about me?” Even when you are the one who is delivering the bad news, identity still comes into play. How will people see you after this conversation?
The bottom line is that conflict resolution and starts by being able to effectively listen to the perspectives of the other person in the conflict situation and depersonalize the conflict.
